|
The Klerblatz Ceremony you're witnessing has been unchanged for thousands of years.
|
(Open up on a shot of five planets. One by one, statues of Lord Hater are placed on the planets. Hater is heard laughing maniacally.)
Lord Hater: Oh yeah! That's five! Five more planets that are mine! All mine! Peepers, how great am I?
Commander Peepers: Tenth planet this week, sir, which means...
Lord Hater: I'm ten steps closer to once again becoming the greatest in the galaxy! Nothing can stop me now!
(Alarm blares.)
Villainous voice: Lord Hater, your reign of terror is over!
Lord Hater: Oh my Grop. It's him. It's... (The guest uses his powers to suck the door into nothingness.) Major Threat!
Commander Peepers: His telekinetic powers can crush planets.
Lord Hater: That dude is the evilest evil-doer that ever do-ed evil.
Commander Peepers: Sir, we're doomed! After all these years of conquering, it comes down to this.
Lord Hater: When I finally meet my idol! (holds up a picture of Major Threat) Huge, HUGE fan! I know, like, all your evil deeds. You're pretty much the reason I got into villainy in the first place. Threat's best! Great villain!
(Threat uses his telekinetic powers to lift Hater up and bring him closer to hug him.)
Major Threat: (calm voice) Call me Jeff.
(Freeze frame title)
Lord Hater: Okay, Jeff. You are like, the worst, the best! Best at being the worst. (Hater gives Threat the picture and a pen so the latter signs the picture on the former's back.)
Major Threat: Uh, thanks, bud.
Lord Hater: (to Peepers) "Bud!"
(Threat rolls up the picture and hands it back to Hater.)
Major Threat: But I'm really embarrassed about all that conquering stuff. It was just take, take, take, without giving a thought to, you know, the people, man, and how they were feeling.
Lord Hater: (confusedly) Ah-ooo?
Major Threat: (laughs) Sorry, man, this must be a bit of a shock. I'm sure you were expecting (demonic voice) RAAGH! I SHALL DESTROY YOUR SOUL!! (calm voice) And here I am, all peace and love, man. (laughs) You must be all, "What? Did Major Threat go all cuckoo in the head!?" Right?
Lord Hater: Uh... yeah. Kinda thought... cuckoo head, yeah. (chuckles)
Major Threat: Well, I did. I went cuckoo. Cuckoo for conquering, until I crossed paths with this wandering weirdo.
Lord Hater: Oh no.
Major Threat: Strange visitor from who knows where who came to my galaxy with powers of positivity far beyond those of anyone.
Lord Hater: (growing agitated) Oh no!
Major Threat: Yeah, he went around helping everyone. Totally drove me even... cuckoo-ier.
Lord Hater: OH NO!
Major Threat: I chased him around the galaxy, vowing to destroy him!
Lord Hater: YES! I mean... OH NO!
Major Threat: Yeah, and in the end, do you know what he wanted?
Lord Hater: No, what?! What did Wand-- I mean, what did he want?
Major Threat: Just... to be... my friend.
(Hater gives out an anguished shriek)
Major Threat: Yeah, it's crazy, man. It was like he wanted me to hate him at first. When he eventually wore me down and we became friends, I realized that if I learned to like this one thing I used to hate, then what was the point of hating all the other stuff I hated? With less hate in my heart, I might start to be happy and not be--
Lord Hater: (bitterly) Such a bad guy anymore?
Major Threat: Exactly, man! So like I was saying earlier, your reign of terror's gonna have to end, man. (Hater looks at Threat's picture - an overly happy face is drawn on Threat's face.) This aggression won't stand. (Hater brings the picture down and Threat has the same face drawn on the picture.)
Lord Hater: (falls back and manically tears the picture to shreds) NOOO!! I warned you, Peepers!
Commander Peepers: Sir, just because Major Threat fell prey to that wandering weirdo, it doesn't--
Lord Hater: IT'S HOPELESS!! (sobbing) Don't you see? Threat was the villainiest villain of all time, and Wander loved the hate right out of him. He Wander-ized him. And now he wants to Wander-ize me.
Major Threat: Here, man, let me help you fix this.
Lord Hater: That's it! I can fix you!
Commander Peepers: Sir, I don't think that's such a good idea.
Lord Hater: No, if I can remind him how good he is at being evil, it'll prove once and for all that bad is in the bones. (to Threat) You are not good. You are just bad at remembering how good it was being bad. Like the time you conquered the unconquerable Klangors.
Major Threat: Grope yeah, the Klangors, man. I gave up being their evil dictator, and turned them on to democratic elections.
Lord Hater: Okay, okay, bad example. You blew up the sun of Solarion!
Major Threat: Now it's Skilorian, a winter getaway and non-profit research facility to study climate change.
Lord Hater: (frustrated scream) Your band! Ninety-Ounce Nihilists? You were the loudest, most evil band in the universe!
Major Threat: Oh, no, no, no, no, no, I-I could never quit music, man. Me and the guys still hang out and jam. You see? You can be even greater by saying "later" to the Hate-er.
Lord Hater: Stop hugging everything! Okay, time for the big guns.
(A gloomy-looking planet with a large rain cloud above is shown.)
Lord Hater: Victimon. They are primed and ready for destruction. I would like you to do the honors.
Major Threat: You're sure?
Lord Hater: Oh, please. If this doesn't get the evil juices flowing, nothing will. I insist.
Major Threat: Well, uh, if you insist. (Threat presses the button. and four torpedoes are launched.)
Lord Hater: Yes. Yes!
(Threat uses his telekinetic powers to redirect the torpedoes, which blow up the rain cloud, turning Victimon happy.)
Lord Hater: NOOOO!!
Major Threat: Whoa, take her easy, man. Just take her easy.
Lord Hater: Oh, yeah? What are you gonna do about it, Jeff? Huh, man? (pulls on Threat's beard) You gonna play your stupid flute for some poor puppy orphans? (Hater dips a roller brush in a bucket of green paint, lifts Threat's robe from the back, and paints Threat's back area. He then takes out a marker while bending over. Cut to a closer shot of Threat as the sound of a marker doodling is heard. Hater lifts his butt, with Threat's face drawn on it, into view. He shakes a bottle of Thunder Blazz and sprays it in Threat's face. Frustrated, Hater falls on his back and kicks Threat in the knees. Despite all these efforts, Threat remains unflustered.)
Major Threat: I'll have your hug waitin' when you're ready.
Lord Hater: Fine! You can't keep us prisoner! We're leaving. Come on, Peepers.
Commander Peepers: Sir, he never actually took us prisoner. Also, technically, this is our ship.
Lord Hater: Shut up! (smacks Peepers, knocking off his helmet) I know that!
(Threat worriedly rushes to Peepers.)
Major Threat: Hey, hug it out, don't slug it out.
(Hater pauses and gets an idea.)
Lord Hater: Oh, I'm terribly sorry, does that bother you, Jeff?
Commander Peepers: Seriously, sir, you really-- (Hater smacks him again.) Ow! My retina!
(As Hater continues to abuse Peepers, Threat appears to become disturbed.)
Major Threat: Hey, how do you like it if I treated you like that, you know? (uses his telekinetic powers to put Peepers's helmet on Hater's head to do the same thing Hater did to Peepers) What if I slapped your helmet off, man, huh? What if I pushed you to the ground? (voice becoming more menacing) Yeah, and take over your ship? Yeah, and what if I take over your-your whole army, huh? Then what would, would, w-w... By Grop! I forgot how good being bad feels.
Lord Hater: Yeah!
Major Threat: Major Threat is back, and I'm gonna conquer every planet in this whole stinkin' galaxy, (deep guttural voice) starting with yours.
Lord Hater: Yeah! What?
(Hater suddenly winds up in a prison cell, lying on the floor.)
Lord Hater: I can't beat him. It's over, I'm finished, done, conquered. That dude, I mean, Major Threat is the evilest evil-doer that ever do-ed evil! The only reason he was stopped last time was because-- Oh, no. Not that.
(The Hater statues from earlier get sucked into nothingness by Threat's power.)
Major Threat: Oh, yeah, that's five! Five more planets that are mine! All mine! Peepsqueak, how great am I?
Commander Peepers: (shivering) Tenth planet in the last five minutes, sir, which means--
Major Threat: I'm ten steps closer to once again becoming the greatest in the galaxy! Nothing can stop me now!
Lord Hater: Threaty, is that you? (Hater is dressed like Wander and holding a mop with a pink glove on it resembling Sylvia) It's me. Your old pal, Sunshine Banjo Face. Why the frowny face, Sir Frownsalot? Let's go tickle some caterpillars, and make lemonade out of snowflakes!
Major Threat: Major Threat will not abide by such a disgusting display of optimism!
(Threat controls some Watchdogs to tackle Hater, who uses the Sylvia mop to knock them away.)
Lord Hater: Take that and that, you grop-derned flabdrassers. There's only one thing to trump the grumpies, and that's... Vooooooooop!
(Hater begins playing the banjo poorly)
Lord Hater: (singing off-key) When you wander over that way... and wear a stupid hat. (A Watchdog holds up a smartphone and snaps a picture.) Then you help some stupid people... And wear a stupid hat! (Peepers watches in disbelief and his lower eyelid drops the same way one's lower jaw drops.) When the bad guys come a-creepin' and lookin' really cool, just do some friendly dumb things and act just like a fool...
(Threat becomes increasingly enraged and snatches Hater with his telekinetic powers. Hater, however, pulls on the power to bring Threat closer and give him a forceful hug.)
Lord Hater: Friendship!
Major Threat: Aaaahhhh!! (suddenly calm again, laughs) Sorry I had to fool you there, but I knew there was good deep down in those bones.
Lord Hater: Oh no.
Major Threat: You not only helped your friends here, but you also saved yourself, man.
Lord Hater: Oh no.
Major Threat: You'll thank me later. It's like Tumbleweed always said, "Never hurts to help."
Lord Hater: (shakes his head) Who?
Major Threat: Uh, Tumbleweed. That goofball that drove me crazy, then made me a better person.
Lord Hater: Wait, wasn't his name Wander?
Major Threat: Nope. Folks called him Tumbleweed.
Lord Hater: YES!! (takes off his Wander outfit) WOOOO! Thank Grop. Oh, I was worried for a second that I was doomed to suffer the same fate as you, but I'm obviously so much better and more evil. (Hater and Threat walk to the door, which opens up.) Well, don't let the door hit you on the way out. I don't know what I was freaked out about. My annoying wanderer is totally different. He plays a dumb banjo and hands out stupid sandwiches and--
Major Threat: Ha! Mustard or mayo? Mustard or mayo? Mustard or mayo? (walks away)
(Hater looks on in complete shock as if he picked up on the implication.)
Lord Hater: (quietly and nervously) Oh no. (His head explodes and he falls back. The door closes.)